Just lie back and relax

Recently my mojo has been more low-jo, I've been feeling somewhat out of the groove, rather off kilter, a bit off balance. I've been trying to get back on track this week and to help deal with what feels like stresses and strains of work, life, the universe and everything, I decided to go for a massage. Also, I had bought it as one of those Groupon things - those 'bargains' that so often, for me anyway, turn out to be a waste of money as I buy then forget about it until it's too late and the 'valid until' date is long gone.

I haven't had a massage for such a long time I realised and surely that would help me switch off, wind down and feel better... wouldn't it?

It was a newly opened place where I hadn't been before and the young, beautifully made up therapist was friendly and welcoming. I filled in the necessary forms, flagging up recent issues and opted for the aromatherapy (I was curious about the chocolate massage but decided it sounded more like it belonged in the Fifty Shades of Shite book).

I undressed as instructed, keeping just pants on and lay on my stomach before the therapist came in and started work. I gave up trying to make conversation, not just because I was supposed to be relaxing but it's also a bit tricky when your head is poking through that small round hole and you get a mouthful of towel if you open it.

It was then I realised that it had been such a long time since I had done this (not that it's ever been a regular occurrence) that I am now in the possession of two false boobs which, unlike real ones, remain pretty permanently pert and don't squish out under pressure. It wasn't that it was just a bit uncomfortable but given that I’ve quite recently had a bit of plastic surgery I suddenly wondered if lying so heavily on them was a good idea. I ended up tensing up and trying to keep the weight off my orbs which, while being massaged very thoroughly and firmly (thank god I'd chosen the 'relaxing' option) on my back, was not easy to do. Nor very relaxing at all. 

The peaceful ambience was then shattered when the therapist removed the towel and asked me to turn over. My involuntary shriek of 'I need to stay covered up' took us both a bit by surprise. I had also forgotten that I have gone from Ms No Inhibitions (once happy to sunbathe topless, go skinny dipping, keep the lights off) to Ms Prude (cannot even cope with female changing rooms, swimming or saunas). She reassured me she was just holding the towel to drape it over me again once I turned over. I did and it was fine.

So, now to relax then. Except... I hadn't mentioned, as it always sounds silly, but I don't reeeeaally like having my feet touched. And yes she had now moved onto those. I bit my lip and strained to stop myself involuntarily kicking the poor girl as she gave what for anyone who likes having their feet touched is, I am sure, a relaxing rub. I think she interpreted my deep sigh of relief when she moved off them and onto my legs as one of contentment and calm.

I did settle down and enjoyed the leg part as I've just started running again and had some aching muscles - and I have no problems with my legs being touched - or being naked!

But I don't really like my head being touched either. I tried an Indian head massage once and it just made me want to both scream and cry at the same time. I don't even like going to the hairdressers for this very reason. A head massage wasn't part of this one though so I thought that wouldn’t be a problem… until she started on my face. Now I have never had a facial in my life, I have no desire to have one, and don't really like anyone else doing my make up or actually even like opticians getting all close up and personal. And I can now confirm that yup I don't like having my face massaged either. Not just 'don't like' but actually hate, actually feels-like-torture kind of hate. (I'd be such a rubbish spy - just give me a massage and I'll 'fess up to anything!). So I literally gritted my teeth and tensed up again until the massage/ torture was finally over.   

I came out just feeling oily, silly and quite cross with myself, and didn't relax until I got home and sat down with a cuppa. I now I know why I probably haven't had a massage for such a long time. And will remind myself of this next time I think it'll be a good idea. I will just have to find some other means of relaxing and treating myself.

But - as it was a special Groupon deal - I still have two massages/ torture sessions booked and paid for to get through... Anyone want to take my place??